Daisy

I don't know if I can actually stand the person I've become. I don't think I've made as many mistakes as others. I do feel however that I did make ones that I'm not sure I can forgive myself for. However given the person I am regardless of the mistakes I wouldn't be able to forgive them anyway. I have a few questions for God as much as on can question the Most High to any real avail. I suppose that's between me and him/her, though I've always wondered why when you think bad things or say them, they can come true in an instant but you only sometimes get good things when you say them and never when you think them. My brother once said that it's because you believe the bad stuff more. I don't know if that's a human predisposition or by design but i suppose it's true. Yeah, this reality sucks but to what degree are we responsible for the things that we don't know we should be doing and what we should not be doing. I was confronted by a mistake I made years ago and reevaluated it and realized in hindsight the points in which I could have made the right choice. I think i broke two hearts three counting my own, because at some point I lost faith in me. I choose the devil because i thought it was God talking to me, I assumed I could over come a lot. I am a fool, man is foolish to think he can do anything outside of Gods grace and not come to ruin. I'm afraid of love because I don't think I deserve it, I'm afraid to inspire because I shouldn't be an inspiration. I don't feel much like a hero, i feel like a heel. I wish i had died a long time ago, before I ever lived what is now my past. I have betrayed myself and Though half of my intention was good, it wasn't Good enough. Entropy has found me and atonement is a long road. I don't love myself anymore, if i ever did, but by the Grace of God if I can, If i can get my soul back? If I can get back into Gods arms, I would do anything I would do anything, just for that. This is what it feels like to be outside of him/her and i don't like it, it's not natural. I'm realizing you don't need to lose everything to hit rock bottom just the things that matter.